infertilemama (infertilemama) wrote in endometriosis,

The Worst of Me

Well, even in the early stages of menopause my period came again. Later then the last time. Monday I spent in bed; curled up with a heating bad, bottle of pain killers by my side and finding very little relief. I always tell myself that it will pass, however every cycle lately is worse then the last and my will seems to be wearing very thin. When my husband came home from work (he is sick with a very bad cold virus) he had already picked up our daughter from his mothers house. She stayed there all day because I was to sick to do anything...again. He walked into the bedroom, and walked back out to take care of her and all I could think was how awful this must be for him.

His wife is 25 years old and can give him no more children. His wife can barely move somedays or overcome the physical and emotional exhaustion to make it out of bed.His wife can hardly handle the pain of sex and sometimes we go months without it at all. Some days I wonder why he married me at all. A man that deserves more children. A man that is the most amazing father I have ever met. A man that puts up with a sick and angry wife somedays. Why does he do it? He deserves better then me on these days and the guilt I feel for being so sick consumes me. I can only hope that after my hysterectomy we will both find peace with it and what it means for our lives.

I hope to feel better. To be a better wife. A better mother then my illness has thus far allowed. I hope to be less tired and happier. But behind the hope is sadness and fear. Out of my half a dozen surgeries this one will hurt the worst, have the most affect on me mentally, and for a while I think I might lose myself. But what are we willing to give up for a life with no more pain? I have been sick for 10 years. I am so tired. I can't remember what it's like to not feel this way and behind my sadness is excitement for what this suregery might bring me. Is that wrong? I feel bad for everyone around me and I just want to be a better version of myself. They all deserve better then the worst of me, and lately i feel that's all they've gotten.

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