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Endo Girls
the ongoing saga of bloody pain
The Worst of Me 
8th-Oct-2014 11:25 am
Well, even in the early stages of menopause my period came again. Later then the last time. Monday I spent in bed; curled up with a heating bad, bottle of pain killers by my side and finding very little relief. I always tell myself that it will pass, however every cycle lately is worse then the last and my will seems to be wearing very thin. When my husband came home from work (he is sick with a very bad cold virus) he had already picked up our daughter from his mothers house. She stayed there all day because I was to sick to do anything...again. He walked into the bedroom, and walked back out to take care of her and all I could think was how awful this must be for him.

His wife is 25 years old and can give him no more children. His wife can barely move somedays or overcome the physical and emotional exhaustion to make it out of bed.His wife can hardly handle the pain of sex and sometimes we go months without it at all. Some days I wonder why he married me at all. A man that deserves more children. A man that is the most amazing father I have ever met. A man that puts up with a sick and angry wife somedays. Why does he do it? He deserves better then me on these days and the guilt I feel for being so sick consumes me. I can only hope that after my hysterectomy we will both find peace with it and what it means for our lives.

I hope to feel better. To be a better wife. A better mother then my illness has thus far allowed. I hope to be less tired and happier. But behind the hope is sadness and fear. Out of my half a dozen surgeries this one will hurt the worst, have the most affect on me mentally, and for a while I think I might lose myself. But what are we willing to give up for a life with no more pain? I have been sick for 10 years. I am so tired. I can't remember what it's like to not feel this way and behind my sadness is excitement for what this suregery might bring me. Is that wrong? I feel bad for everyone around me and I just want to be a better version of myself. They all deserve better then the worst of me, and lately i feel that's all they've gotten.
8th-Oct-2014 09:35 pm (UTC)
hey darl. im so sorry your endo is giving you such grief. i know what its like to feel these things. that you are just a drag on your hubby. i have had endometriosis (&2 surgeries myself) as well as other health issues that have made me feel like this some days. it sucks to feel at your worst, and a failure much of the time. but you must be doing something right as he loves you so you must be a pretty darn lovable person. pain or not. also i am sad to see that on lj you have defined yourself by your worst trait. im sure there is more to you than this. i hope. i hope you can at least find it.

if you are only 25 how come you are in menopause already if you dont mind me asking? so noisy. if you need any support or extra friends on here let me know.

lots of love to you.
8th-Oct-2014 09:40 pm (UTC) - peri-menopausal
Hi. Thank you so much for your kind words. Im peri-menopausal, so going into earl onset as my ovaries aren't functioning anymore so my progesterone levels are basically no longer there. There is much more to be then this part of my life however I am trying to raise a little awareness by telling this story. I post my entries to fb as well as make them public on here...its a silent struggle and it shouldn't be. I think I'll feel much better once i have my hysterectomy. At least then Ill be able to enjoy life more often then not. Thank you again, and if you need a friend on your journey Im here.
30th-Oct-2014 05:34 pm (UTC)
I just had a laparoscopy with a LUNA and unilateral oopherectomy (one ovary out) and the day after surgery my pain was significantly less than what I was dealing with every day. To say recovery pain is less than daily pain is a huge thing because that in itself is no picnic. 2 weeks later I am feeling better than ever, and I feel like I have hope again. I'm feeling motivated and positive, which is a 180 degree turn from how I felt before the surgery. I had no energy, I couldn't get off the couch and felt depressed all the time. This wasn't my first lap either, I've had my fair share but this feels different.
I just want you to have hope that things will get better. If you have a good OBGYN now would be a good time to discuss having a lap and work on getting your life back. You deserve it! I want you to know I'm praying for you and sending you positive vibes. Please know you're not alone-- I felt that way a lot, like no one could understand what I was feeling and I know that's not the case. I hope you're feeling much better in the near future <3
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